I took a deep breath and clicked on the button to choose the Type 1 course. And with that one little click, my whole world changed.
Ok, yes, I realize how melodramatic that sounds. But it's true. I didn't even realize at first just how true. And it really isn't about the fashion, either - that's really just the icing on the cake. It's new insights and breakthroughs I've had about myself that are truly exciting.
The first breakthrough I had was in trying to wrap my head around the idea that I really truly am a Type 1. Type 1 is bright, animated, upward, light, airy, random, extroverted, bubbly, enthusiastic, cute, generating ideas. Type 2 is soft, subtle, gentle, calm, flowing, introverted, sensitive, graceful, elegant, planning details. How could I possibly be both? What I needed to remember is that there is a range of levels of motion within each movement, and my unique expression is influenced by my secondary energy, my life experiences, and lots of other things unique to *me*. I am not a "textbook" Type 1 - what I call bouncy balls and fireworks. Rather, I describe my energy as "a dreamer, head in the clouds" energy. It is still a very light, airy, full of ideas energy - but it also has a soft, gentle, graceful element to it. Think Belle in Disney's Beauty & the Beast. Thinking of it in that way allowed me to start to truly accept and embrace this part of my nature in a way I hadn't been able to before.
The second breakthrough I had came when I wasn't even expecting it. Doesn't it often happen that way? Since Type 1's are so animated and enthusiastic, it is common for us to feel like we need to be more serious, or tone down our brightness so we will be taken seriously. I'd heard and read that in several places, but it never seemed to apply to me until the word responsibility came up in a separate conversation. I haven't felt that I needed to be more serious, but I have definitely felt I needed to be (more?) grown up / responsible. There were some pretty traumatic circumstances and events going on for most of my childhood, and as the oldest of my siblings, I ended up taking on a lot of responsibility at a very young age. Also, and I had never even realized this before, I think I developed a belief that in the middle of all that hurting, it wasn't ok to ever *not* feel that pain. I wish someone had told me then - "It's ok to feel hurt and sad and scared and angry. It's good to feel those things. But it's also ok and good to have fun and feel happy sometimes. It's ok to just be a little girl. Feeling happy doesn't mean that you don't still have all those other feelings, or that you don't care about the things that are happening to you and your family, or that those things don't matter. It's not a betrayal to the people you love. You don't have to carry this huge weight and burden all the time." For years, I have felt like I've been living under a cloud. I have been! A cloud of belief that says "Life hurts. People betray you. You don't have any power. Happiness is for the people who "have". You are one of the "have-nots". Wow! No wonder I've struggled with depression! What hopeless limiting beliefs!
Now I am replacing those beliefs with
It is ok to have fun. I can be responsible and have fun too. They are not mutually exclusive.
Life can be fun.
Work can be fun.
I don't have to wait for work to make work fun - *I* can make work fun.
I can make work fun by *being* fun.
I can make work fun by being fun by being *me*.
Wow. These are messages that are striking down to the very core of who I am. They are heart beliefs, central to everything I think, feel, say, do, whether I'm aware of it or not. Changing these deep beliefs has and will have a ripple effect. Already, in just a few days, I feel so much more confident, less stressed, less anxious, free. And it shows; I've had multiple people comment on it. I told my sister yesterday that I feel like I've forgotten how to have fun (or maybe I never even knew to begin with) and I am just figuring it out again. It's a revelation that fills me with awe, wonder, and excitement.
I feel like a flower blossoming.
Or like a dragonfly, just emerging from the cocoon and discovering my wings. I have the whole sky to explore, and I can't wait to see where the wind will take me.